Monday, January 15
Not Even Friends
One thing that is really making this difficult is the fact that were not even friends anymore and she appears to have no desire to be.
I mean like for three years this girl is my smiling, loving best friend. Could totally be myself. Even in our worst moments and I was so frustrated or she was so frustrated, we were best friends. And then, we have a period we had a silly on-line argument ... well I felt like she was trying to start one. We dont talk much for a few days, cause I had this insane like 50 page unit plan due and I literally didnt sleep for days (I'm Narcoleptic, hello, I nearly died ... literally)...and it didnt bother her that we didnt talk ... and so she called me to break up with me. Fine, done deal ... it crushed me, but it's not like we had this huge drag-down falling out ...
It's not like we screamed obscenities at each other, it's not like one of us walked in the other with someone else ...
So we it wasn't like this horrific falling out or end ... and yet, it's like she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Not even just that, it's not even like she keeps me out of sight so Im out of mind, it's like I annoy her. Even like the simplest things. I don't know. I really just feel taht way since Dairy Queen. Before that I was iffy, but then I told her multiple times the hardest part was just losing my best friend, and even if she wasn't romantically interested, I would still like some sembleance of a friendship (turns out, I still have this strong drive to make her smile, and thats hard to do if she acts like I don't exist ... haha) .... and she e-mailed me like every day last week, she made a point to ask about hanging out, made a point to make sure that happened, etc.
We went out to ice-cream and I thought maybe, just maybe we can be genuine friends.
But ever since ice-cream.
Ha.
And its not like she hasnt had time, or hasnt been on-line. U know ... like she just genuinely has no interest in a friendship. And I definitely feel like I annoy her. Like I could just pop on AIM or send an e-mail and as I do with anyone else, be like, "Hey, just saw you on-line wanted to say good night. Hope all is well" and if I got a response at all I'd expect to feel like she was just annoyed. Or that my message served as a reminder I still existed and it bugged her.
It's like fine, whatever, I don't need you to survive, so if u dont genuinely want to be friends dont lie to me and say u do. But more so than that, I dont understand why she cant handle being friends, or why I dont make her genuinely smile anymore. I mean, I dont know. Maybe Ive been annoying her for three years and she jsut snapped ...
It just really hurts. Like really hurts. U know, like breaking up wasn't bad enough ... i've not only lost the love of my life, and the girl I am still absolutely infatuated with, and have been for three years ... but I've also lost a best friend ... my most sturdy support structure, biggest stress relief, the place I channeled my creative energy, etc ... and I dont even feel like I have a mildly firm grasp as to why, what happened or what Im supposed to do about it.
I dont know. It hurts, and its depressing ... and it is like I dont know, any amount of self-esteem I have is slowly being torn down day by day by this ... not shocking ... but it sucks to know that the girl you wanted to spend the rest of ure life with, suddenly puts u on the list of last people on earth to talk to ...
Anyway, thats my vent for the day! Godspeed!
-Jim-
I mean like for three years this girl is my smiling, loving best friend. Could totally be myself. Even in our worst moments and I was so frustrated or she was so frustrated, we were best friends. And then, we have a period we had a silly on-line argument ... well I felt like she was trying to start one. We dont talk much for a few days, cause I had this insane like 50 page unit plan due and I literally didnt sleep for days (I'm Narcoleptic, hello, I nearly died ... literally)...and it didnt bother her that we didnt talk ... and so she called me to break up with me. Fine, done deal ... it crushed me, but it's not like we had this huge drag-down falling out ...
It's not like we screamed obscenities at each other, it's not like one of us walked in the other with someone else ...
So we it wasn't like this horrific falling out or end ... and yet, it's like she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Not even just that, it's not even like she keeps me out of sight so Im out of mind, it's like I annoy her. Even like the simplest things. I don't know. I really just feel taht way since Dairy Queen. Before that I was iffy, but then I told her multiple times the hardest part was just losing my best friend, and even if she wasn't romantically interested, I would still like some sembleance of a friendship (turns out, I still have this strong drive to make her smile, and thats hard to do if she acts like I don't exist ... haha) .... and she e-mailed me like every day last week, she made a point to ask about hanging out, made a point to make sure that happened, etc.
We went out to ice-cream and I thought maybe, just maybe we can be genuine friends.
But ever since ice-cream.
Ha.
And its not like she hasnt had time, or hasnt been on-line. U know ... like she just genuinely has no interest in a friendship. And I definitely feel like I annoy her. Like I could just pop on AIM or send an e-mail and as I do with anyone else, be like, "Hey, just saw you on-line wanted to say good night. Hope all is well" and if I got a response at all I'd expect to feel like she was just annoyed. Or that my message served as a reminder I still existed and it bugged her.
It's like fine, whatever, I don't need you to survive, so if u dont genuinely want to be friends dont lie to me and say u do. But more so than that, I dont understand why she cant handle being friends, or why I dont make her genuinely smile anymore. I mean, I dont know. Maybe Ive been annoying her for three years and she jsut snapped ...
It just really hurts. Like really hurts. U know, like breaking up wasn't bad enough ... i've not only lost the love of my life, and the girl I am still absolutely infatuated with, and have been for three years ... but I've also lost a best friend ... my most sturdy support structure, biggest stress relief, the place I channeled my creative energy, etc ... and I dont even feel like I have a mildly firm grasp as to why, what happened or what Im supposed to do about it.
I dont know. It hurts, and its depressing ... and it is like I dont know, any amount of self-esteem I have is slowly being torn down day by day by this ... not shocking ... but it sucks to know that the girl you wanted to spend the rest of ure life with, suddenly puts u on the list of last people on earth to talk to ...
Anyway, thats my vent for the day! Godspeed!
-Jim-
Labels: Breaking-Up
Jim 12:16 AM
1 Comments:
Jim, I know you're going through a really tough time right now. As tough as it is, do remember that this probably hasn't been a breeze for her, either.
It's possible that she's stopped communicating with you because she is upset, like you mentioned in your last post.
As a girl, I would probably be a little upset if my ex was venting everything to a very public blog. Maybe she doesn't want all of her and your friends reading all of the details of the breakup.
I can understand wanting to write out your feelings, it's one of the ways I vent, too. Maybe a private place to vent would be more considerate for both of you, though. You mentioned starting your own blog, why don't you try that? It could be a great place for you to let your feelings out, even get some random feedback from people flipping through blogs. But if you don't give out the blog address, and make the setting for it private on your dashboard, then you don't have the issue of more hurt feelings for either of you.
I know you're hurting a lot, and I'd love to be there for you in any way, if I can. Please call me if you want to get lunch, or watch a movie, or just hang out and talk. Jim, you were one of my very first Camp Friends, and I miss you. Please tell me how I can help. :o)
Big hugs from your friend Kelly
It's possible that she's stopped communicating with you because she is upset, like you mentioned in your last post.
As a girl, I would probably be a little upset if my ex was venting everything to a very public blog. Maybe she doesn't want all of her and your friends reading all of the details of the breakup.
I can understand wanting to write out your feelings, it's one of the ways I vent, too. Maybe a private place to vent would be more considerate for both of you, though. You mentioned starting your own blog, why don't you try that? It could be a great place for you to let your feelings out, even get some random feedback from people flipping through blogs. But if you don't give out the blog address, and make the setting for it private on your dashboard, then you don't have the issue of more hurt feelings for either of you.
I know you're hurting a lot, and I'd love to be there for you in any way, if I can. Please call me if you want to get lunch, or watch a movie, or just hang out and talk. Jim, you were one of my very first Camp Friends, and I miss you. Please tell me how I can help. :o)
Big hugs from your friend Kelly
